10 pages down last night and autism research

I got through 10 pages edited last night, somehow. I was also able to work out. The reason I was able to do both is because my husband held our teething screaming baby while I did so.

The goal this evening is to edit another 10 pages. I’m not following an outline. I’ve tried. I’ve bought books that talk about outlining. I’ve paid for workshops that talked about outlining. I’ve read blogs and motivational tweets about outlining, but guess what? It’s just not happening. I’m pantsing this. Fine, I will admit to you stubborn outliners that I did have some sense of an outline originally. Maybe I’m an unreliable narrator. Fine, I had an itty bit of an outline in the beginning, but I’m just going through my draft and filling in holes right now.

My first draft was atrocious. I wanted to cry. I think when I finished it I didn’t touch it for weeks thinking ‘I’m a horrible writer and I need to stop this.’ After a few weeks I picked it back up. I gave these characters life. I just need to dust them off and make them pretty so that others will see what I see in them.

Now on to autism, I also spent a bit of last night in a stunned silence researching autism. I may have also sat on the floor in the dark and cried at some point. There may be a lot of crying in my future.

There’s so much, yet there’s so little on autism. The psychologist told us ‘If you’ve met one person with autism you’ve met one person with autism,’ meaning that everyone with autism is different. They are all unique.

Right now we live in Chicago and my biggest fear for my son is the school system. We’re scared we’re not going to find the right place that can offer the right services for him and if we can’t then we will be forced to move, either to another part of the city or to a suburb or another state or another country. We are not ruling anything out.

At this point my life has been turned inside out. Everything is on fire. All good parents are not selfish, their kids come first, but my kiddo has really taken a priority in my life. There’s something scary about that, but humbling as well to relinquish so much of myself.

I was very selfish for very long. This is not going to be an easy process. Life is not going to be easy from here on. I’m not ready for this but I have to move forward.

Goals for tonight:

  • Yoga – even if 5 minutes
  • Edit 10 more pages of my manuscript
  • Work out, cardio & weights
  • Figure out the stats homework for school that has me in panic
  • Breathe

-CP

Image from readwritethecraft