Why is the universe trying to kill me?

I’ve been trying to write. I swear. The universe has other plans. My 4-month-old is not quite sure he likes sleep. My 4-year-old has ADHD. My house is haunted, and by haunted I mean that there are random piles of clothes and stacks of paper scattered throughout and I SWEAR it wasn’t me.

Then, Saturday morning my ex-best-friend’s dad died.

My ex-best friend is exactly that. We were neighbors, and I thought we were best friends from around the age of 4 to 30. We were next door neighbors and went to elementary and middle school together. She went to a fancy smart kid high school and I went to the generic neighborhood kid high school. She hung with smart kids, and I guess I wasn’t smart enough so we started growing apart then. She went on to major in engineering and I went on to major in art. She never introduced me to her friends, or, if she did it was in passing┬ábecause I was never invited to hang out with them. We grew more distant and eventually, she became engaged to this guy and that’s it. She stopped talking to me. She stopped talking to her sisters, her brother, and barely to her parents. I know what you’re saying ‘It doesn’t sound like you two were really best friends.’

And, you’re right.

Maybe I have this image in my mind that because we used to play in the backyard together and dig up our barbies (we were weird) that we would be best friends forever. Very long story short, she is estranged from her family and she did not go to her father’s funeral. I loved her dad. I love her sisters. I see her family all of the time. I have been crying, a lot. I wish I knew what I did. If I did something, said something, I don’t know…I’m sorry. It’s been about 7 years since I saw her last and it feels like yesterday, but I suppose I have to move on.

I really have no friends [insert sad music]. If you look at my phone the call log consists of my mom, my dad and my husband. My husband has said before that I rub people the wrong way. Maybe I do. Maybe I’m too assertive, or opinionated. Maybe I’ve pushed everyone away, including my ex-best friend.

I’ve been really messed up with this question of ‘Am I a good person?’ Did I push her away and all of the friends I used to have? This has happened before, people that I loved hanging out with or thought were amazing just stopped coming around, returning my calls, or texts. Did I just become to busy with work, writing, house, and school that people naturally just left? Did I mention I’ve been crying a lot?

I don’t think she’ll ever read this. I don’t even know if people read my blog, but it’s someplace for me to write, and I figure I’ll write about something other than NaNoWriMo today since honestly life is about writing and writing is life and this is my life today – sad and depressed. It hurts to know that there’s someone out there who hates me, because she said that – my ex-best friend – that she hates me and her sisters. I didn’t do anything, I swear, and if she thinks we did anything I’m sorry.

My days are short because they go by so fast with so many responsibilities and children. I envy people who can say they have a lot of friends or a childhood best friend they still hang out with, or call and express their frustrations. I honestly have no one I can vent to. Yes, there’s husband, but I can only vent to him so much. He can get overwhelmed. He tries. I wonder what my call log will look like when my parents die? No one will ever leave me a voice mail then.

If you guessed I’m crying right now, yup, I’m crying. I guess I just don’t know what I want. I wish my ex-best friend went to her dad’s funeral. I wish she didn’t hate me. I wish all of these awesome people would stop dropping out of my life. I wish I weren’t so lonely and when the hectic chores are done it wasn’t so quiet. I wish I wasn’t getting old. I wish that I were just a little bit happier.

Obviously, I haven’t been writing. It’s been too hard and I’ve been too emotional and gutted and my mind has been everywhere but on the page. I’ll try again later.

-CP

Photo by booksandteacups_